When I first found out I was pregnant, my mind went blank for a good 20 minutes. I just sat there looking at this stick with this faint blue plus sign. My night went from getting a pack of beers and going sledding to making a decision that would change everything. I was in this almost daze for a few weeks, especially when I wasn't showing or feeling any different. It was if none of it was really real. With each passing day it became more and more real. Every sonogram date was like christmas morning. I could see the baby growing and developing right before my eyes. Then she was born and my life was altered forever.
I think about my mindset while I was pregnant. It was all about making sure I had everything for when the baby was born. The receiving blankets, the burp cloths, the boppy, the swing, etc. It was a mile long list of this gadgets and gizmos you need for this tiny little thing that sleeps, eats and goes to the bathroom all day. I never thought about the days after she grew out of the swing, the days after diapers, the days when she would be a child and not a little baby. I wish I had thought more about that then and less about what pattern my pack and play would be.
I watch McKinley sleeping in her crib and I can honestly say I have never known love like this before. I would never trade her for anything in this world. She is perfect in every way and I feel so blessed to have the privilege of saying she is mine. However, I wish I had more time to enjoy being young. I feel like an old married maid sometimes meanwhile I am only 25. I wish Steven and I had more time together to go out and explore. The sad thing is, is that I know if I had had more time. I would have wasted it. I wasted so much of my time wanting what I have now and not enough time enjoying freedom. I can't say I have any regrets though. Although I would love to go back in time and do a few things differently, I wouldnt never want to end up in a place where I don't have Steven and McKinley.
I find myself lately thinking about what would happen if the world were to end tomorrow, how would I feel about my time on this earth. I may not have the more pristine job, my bank account is no where near where I would like it to be, I am living in my parents house with my boyfriend and our out of wedlock baby, so most people would think that I have failed. I look at my daughter and how beautiful she is and how much I love her and I can't believe how lucky I am. I think about Steven and how he pretty much is everything I could ever ask for, even when he drives me insane; and I think God what did I do to get so lucky. When I die, I know I probably won't be rich with money, but I plan to do whatever it takes to stay so rich with love.