xmeggohx

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 22:48:59 GMT

Do you ever feel like your screaming at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you? Or worse there are people who hear you but they have no idea how to help you, and the ones that do, don't want too? Sometimes I feel like that.

success

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 19:31:02 GMT

I have been thinking a lot about what it really means to be successful. Ever since I was little it has always been instilled in me that in order to be successful you need to go to college, get a job, and make good money. Is that it? I feel like there is so much more to having a successful life than our society leads us to believe. I think each individual has their own idea of success. Here is my own theory.
Lately I have been in this weird funk. I see all the people I grew up with starting their careers and moving on, getting married, having children. Its insane to think that I am at the age where it is now appropriate and acceptable for people to do this. Crazy. I think though, that success is more or less setting individual goals for yourself and achieving them. A successful person is someone who is happy and content with the way they live their life. I don't need to have the nicest bag or the nicest clothes. My house doesn't have to be the nicest on the block, and I don't need to drive the newest and fastest car. The way I look at the world, is that it can end at any moment and all those things can be gone in an instant. What really matters to me is just making friendships and relationships that have meaning. Creating great memories that I can treasure forever. I was designing my room with Stephanie and Andrew the other day and I came up with this really amazing idea that I am sooo super pumped about. I love quotes. Doesn't matter if it is from a movie, a tv show, a book, or a person. I have a collection of quotes that I read all the time and add to. I also have countless numbers of pictures or friends and family from all the years of my life. I have pictures of places that I have been and places that I plan on going. SO instead of buying some generic wall art from the store i am making my own. I have never found myself to be very artistic, but this is a goal I am setting for myself. To make a collage of quotes and pictures and memories. The pictures will all be in black and white but I am going to put in hints of pink and tan to make it match my room. I really am sooo excited about it. At the end of my life, when everything is all said and done. I will look back and only think of myself as a successful person if i truly lived my life being happy. And that is no one else's responsibility but my own.

balancing act

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:51:54 GMT

Life is about balance right? You have to work to have fun. You have to exersize to be healthy. Im confused. Where do you draw the line of selfishness? Like you have to care about yourself and the things you want to a certain extent, but when does it become too much? The same way works for selflessness, how do you know when to stop doing what others want and take charge of your own life? I feel like I can't seem to get a grip on this. When I start to care about what I want, I feel as if I am doing something wrong. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone to be upset because of my actions. I just don't know. I miss when things were simple. I miss when things were just happy and easy and everyone could get along. I just don't want to keep doing things because I know that is what everyone else wants. I just don't know what I want. I feel like I don't know how to live my life without constantly seeking approval of doing what is right. I've done it my whole life. Of course I have hidden things that I knew I shouldn't be doing. Should you date someone because everyone thinks he is a great guy and everyone likes him a lot and thinks he's cute? I've never gone for the popular kids. I always am attracted to the shy quiet ones. I feel like they are more interesting and much deeper. Twice I picked the shy guys and twice I had long term meaningful relationships. I was younger then, but I was still so certain about my feelings. Popularity is about superficiality and looking a certain part, like playing a role in a play. I don't want an actor who cares more about his looks more than he does his actions. What if I had exactly what I have always wanted, but it was just too much in my face and I couldn't see so clearly. And now I am with the wrong person? What if the popular vote was right, am I going to regret this decision? I just don't know. Two boys, one girl, one restaurant. Frick my life. I know that in my head I have this perfect idealic life that will just be filled with love and laughter. Its one of those things that just keep me going everyday the hope that I may have one of those days. I know my entire life can't be like that, but I think I would be content with just a few moments in life that felt perfect. I don't think that it's too much to ask for. I've been lucky to have a few of them under my belt already. I just wonder if I will ever be certain about anything in my life again. I try to just make decisions and act like I know what I am doing. Underneath doubt and worry are nearly boiling to the surface ready to explode. I've learned self control, I've perfected my poker face. I smile. I laugh. I remain cool calm and collected, like nothing in the world can bother me. Inside...nothing but pure chaos.
My friends at work come to me for advice, I tell them the honest truth. They know that i don't play sides. I call it like I see it. I wish I had the will power to take my own advice. I'm not that lucky.

Fri, 15 May 2009 21:12:37 GMT

I just want to find where i belong. Somewhere I fit in. Someone who fits.

Wed, 13 May 2009 17:30:13 GMT

Have you ever felt like the society we live in is so submersed in technology that nothing real is actually tangible anymore. We are attached to our phones, our internet, our blackberry's like there is nothing outside of them. Social Interaction is losing is importance. Its nauseating to say the least. I think about that day in the City with Austin, Michelle and Tommy. I had no phone, no internet, nothing and I felt completely at ease. I know that texts, and ims, and facebook are all good ways to keep in touch with people who are far away, its just people are addicted to them. They are now missing out on the life that is passing right in front of them. I am guilty of this too, but i hope now that I realize this that its not too late for me. I dont want my whole life lived out right infront of me on a computer screen. I want the memories to played out in a slideshow in my mind. I'm sick of watching my life pass me by. I want to live again.

snuggle bug

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:07:26 GMT

My parents had to go run errands this morning and they left my nephew with me. I was exhausted because I didn't sleep very well last night so I made him come and lay in bed with me. He is now sleeping cuddled up next to Nemo with his binky and I can honestly say that I have never felt more in love in my life. He is seriously the sunshine in my life. Ever since he was born, no matter how bad of a day I was having, this little monster has been able to make me smile. Being an Aunt is seriously the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I can not wait until I have more nieces and nephews.
Things have been really good for me lately. School is definitely going in the right direction which I am super stoked about. The summer is sooo close that its making me so anxious. I can not wait to just go to the beach for a week. This summer is going to be a lot better than last summer. As much as I love working at Vitamin Water, it was so hard for me because I love being outside and sitting at a desk while its 80 something outside was just plain torture for me. The pepper is a much better situation for the summer. I'm gonna be playing on this co-ed softball team with my my friend Kati from work and her boyfriend. I am super excited about that too. Last summer was a huge learning experience for me. Ever since Mike and I broke up almost a year ago, I was really holding on to this like inside bitter guilt that was keeping me from really digesting what had transpired between us. In our relationship, it was like "an eye for an eye" type deal. I would do something wrong to him and he in return would hurt me back. There was no forgiveness or trust. Even though we did care about each other deeply, it was just something that we couldn't fix. A relationship can not work if there is no empathy. I will never regret any of my time spent with him. Even though we have had a rough past, I know that kid better than he knows himself, and if anyone deserves to find true happiness it is him.
I know that I have said this before but I believe so much that people come in and out of your lives when you really need them. Kristin, Jill and Corinne were there for me that summer when I was all alone. Kristin was here for me in the fall when I really needed a best friend. Things have changed and situations have put distance between us. For a while I was angry, bitter and felt betrayed, but the more I thought about it, the more I understood. Sometimes things happen in life, for whatever reason, that show you what you couldn't see before. I always thought that I needed someone to lean on, but for once I saw that I can stand on my own and I'll be alright. I am really trying my best to let go of the things that hurt me. I am sure that I have done things to hurt other people without really being aware of it. Everyone makes mistakes. Its only human. All of those people really helped me in a time of great need in my life and I am forever thankful for everything that ever did for me. I don't know if we will ever be close again but they will remain close to my heart.
I love when my trashy neighbor is outside on her cell phone talking about her scumbag boyfriend and yelling at her dog. She should hook up with my other creepy neighbor who loves to wear denim shorty shorts and trucker hats while dancing to Whitney Houston in his garage. I should sit outside more often because this is a lot better than any show on television. I hope we have a block party again this year, it would be a real shit show for sure. haha. I can't wait to be in love again. I mean I can because I am okay being single. I am enjoying it very much to tell you the truth. I guess just this weather makes me think of all the cute fun things to do when you have someone. Like going to the park on a walk, or going to the city and looking at museums, going for runs, getting ice cream, going to the beach, going for long drives, bbqing at shanners, laying in bed and just cuddling watching a mooovie, going on the swings at night and looking at the stars, going to the movies, pretttty much anything. ahaha. Its all stuff I can do on my own, but its just not as much fun. I think in my past relationships I had a habit of making things more difficult than they had to be. I don't enjoy things being complicated. A lot of the problems that I had in my life, were mostly in my head. Now that I've been sorting through them and working them out. Life seems to be a lot more enjoyable. That way you think really does reflect the way you live. I'm excited for what the future holds for me. I feel a lot of good things coming my way. I know that everything is going to be alright. I think after this semester is done I am going to get another tattoo on my other foot. I was actually telling my dad about my idea and he actually thought it was pretty good. I'm just taking things one day at a time. Im loving every second of it.

Undeleted

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:49:57 GMT

So about two weeks ago I deleted my journal. I was reading through the entries and I felt like the person I was when I wrote most of them, and the person I have become are two very different people. Or maybe I just wanted them to be two different people. It's not an easy thing to do, to put type out your emotions and then post them on a website for people to see. I felt completely vulnerable and I wanted to disassociate myself with how pathetic I came off in some of those entries. Everyone in this world is different. And I am not going to be ashamed of the person I was for a while. The past is a great way for me to look back and learn from my mistakes. Writing in here is a vice for me to work through things I am going through. Although it makes me vulnerable and subject to people's criticism, its a way of me getting my problems off my chest and unleashing my emotional baggage. I think that being vulnerable is good for me from time to time, because it means I haven't given up yet. That I am still willing to put myself out there and I still care.
I do yoga now once a week. At first I wasn't so sure how it was going to be, but now after a few times of going I really am starting to feel the effects. Not just with my appearance but with the way I look at my life. I find that it's easier for me to deal with emotions lately. Like I used to hear something that upset me and almost get hysterical instantly. I haven't perfected it yet, but now its just like I take a few deep breaths, take in the information and let it process. Then I proceed and figure out what comes next. I am just trying to have more patience with life and the troubles that come my way. There are always going to be obstacles to overcome and I find that the things I have been through have made me a stronger person. There is a lot of negative in this world. Its pretty easy to dwell on the things in my life that aren't going so well, but I find that it is much more satisfying when I look at things in a positive light. I know I have said this a million times but my family, as different as we may be, has been my rock, I used to be really negative about my relationship with some of them, but now I just look at it differently, especially with my mom.
My mother and I have never really had that close relationship, she does with my two sisters but for some reason not me. Growing up it was especially hard and we have had some huge blowouts over it. On some occasions she would open up to me and we would get close. Those moments were very few and far between though. Then on Easter it sort of dawned on me, its not that my mother doesn't love me, its just she shows her love in a different way. The wednesday before Easter I had gone to my grandparents house to have dinner. Its always a big ball of crazy, but I don't know how many more opportunities I am going to have so I take all the crazy that they can dole out. While I sat at their dinner table enjoying the lovely buy one get one stuffed shells, my grandpa proceeds to tell me that I should keep a healthy lifestyle so that i don't get "thick" and I've been looking a little "thick". Yup. All 110 pounds of me. I just nodded and laughed a little. I know he meant no harm by it, and its good advice for the long run. On Easter I was telling the story at the dinner table and everyone was laughing. My mom just turned to me and said "you know your beautiful right? Your grandpa doesn't know how to talk to girls so don't let him being a jackass upset you". Haha. I know it seems kind of silly but that made me happy. Its not too often that my mother will forward a compliment to anyone, so for her to say it, it just sort of solidified my theory.
Love doesn't manifest itself the same way twice. Its kind of like a snowflake, no love is exactly the same. If you look at relationships of all kinds, they are all different. Take my two sisters for example. Shannon & Jon even though they disagree from time to time, they keep it very private and to themselves, no matter how hard times might get for them, they seem to always be able to laugh with one another. Kerry & John fight just about every 5 minutes, about oh everything and anything, but thats how they work. 2 minutes later they are fine. Two completely different ways of showing love. I know my mom loves me, she just shows it in a different way. Love is super complicated, it makes you vulnerable, and can really hurt you deeply. It's weird though, because thats how you know love is real. The pain validates it, if love wasn't real then you wouldn't feel any pain. I know I am totally not ready yet to really put myself out there again. I lived my life in a relationship for a long time, now I am just being me and I am learning so much. I have a lot of hope and faith that life will always work its way out in time. Yesterday on my way to el bano during school, there was this guy who was handing out these little green bibles. I always take things that people are handing out otherwise I feel like I am hurting their feelings. I have issues, I know. When I got back to my classroom, I started to skim through it and it said something along the lines of "without hope or faith, love can not survive." JC knew the deal back in the day. I think it was really important for me to finally come to terms about my past. Admitting to the things that I messed up, apologizing, and finally releasing the guilt that was inside of me for so long. I feel really happy, and at peace with myself and my life.

weirddddd

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:21:25 GMT

I never really believe my horoscope, This was so strange. I needed to document it.

It's time for someone charming to enter your life now that sweet Venus is in your 7th House of Relationships. Although there may be chemistry between you, he or she might prove to be emotionally distant. Still, you will need to be open to the possibilities or nothing will even have a chance of getting off the ground.

wow. is all i can say.

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 04:57:20 GMT

Falling Slowly came on at work the other day. I was sitting alone at one of my tables filling the salt & pepper. The place was pretty empty because it was the end of the night. It kinda made me realize how being single can be really lonely sometimes. I mean I always have my friends to hang out with and stuff, but i guess that song kind of hit me. I know mike & i were a square peg and a round hole. We never fit, no matter how many times we tried. I guess that song just came on and it reminded me of watching it on my couch, it made my heart hurt all over again thinking of what has transpired and all the things i still don't know about. I know that someday things will all work out the way it's supposed too. He will find his square hole and I will find my round peg. I know I am so young and that I have soo many good things going for me right now. I guess there are just those moments where my heart gets weak. I've made it a point now to tune out the music so that it doesn't happen again.

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:58:25 GMT

Things in my lfe may not be exactly how I wish or dream they could be. I am okay with that.
I think one conclusion that I have come to in the past few weeks is that our minds try and protect us from thoughts, or realities that we know will hurt us. So it leads us to believe things that aren't true, but will ease our minds. I guess in essence we actually lie to ourselves. It doesn't do us any good though. It only causes more stress and pain later on down the road when the reality is too abundant that it no longer is deniable. That's one thing that I've been trying to steer clear from these days. We learned in my class that most communication between people is actually done through body language and gestures that we don't even realize we are doing. I can say a million words to someone and not mean a single one. It doesn't necessarily mean that everything is a lie. Our eyes and our minds see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe. With an open mind and open eyes we can look past the obvious and let ourselves see the truth. It's almost freeing in a way. You see people for who they really and accept them because you can't change them. There's no worrying, no stress about the little things because well, they are what they are and there's nothing you can do but accept it and move on.
We had a huge discussion the other day about thought processes and development of the imagination. When you think about your future or things you are going to do today or tomorrow, it's all in imagination. None of it is real untill it actually happens. Hopes, dreams, goals, even what you want to have for dinner tonight is in your imagination. The friction, stress and anxiety of life comes from when your reality doesn't live up to the expectations of your imagination. In other words, the story of my life. haha. Its so weird how like different things in your life all kind of line up at the same time. Like as we have been going over this stuff in class, Kristin had this assignment due in her class where she needed to keep track of 5 things everyday that made her happy. So on Sunday I was over her house decorating the christmas trees while Kristin was doing her project and we ended up having a conversation with her parents that really made everything click.
Jim Baker is not the type of guy who will feed you lines just to make you feel better. He is honest and blunt. So I know that he wasn't just saying these things to make Kristin and I feel better, he meant them. He stood there, Coors in hand, and said "You are ONLY 21 & 22 years old. You are two beautiful and intelligent girls who have very bright futures ahead of you. Stop complicating life and just live. Go to school, do your work, be responsible but STILL have fun. Its not that hard." Our expectations of people, and life have gotten so high that we neglect every good little thing that happens to us. Everyday several things happen that we should appreciate but don't because we have become so accustomed to them. A person saying hello or holding a door open for you, having dinner with friends or family, getting drinks and having a good conversation, watching a movie or television show that you like, even just how my sisters and cousins will text me lines from shows or movies everyday that always make me laugh. Its these things that make up life, not the big dreams in my imagination. The trick is to seperate imagination from reality and know that your dreams and goals are always there for you to strive for and hope for, but as long as you don't expect them then you are okay. It's weird now because i realize how much I do that. The way i look at myself, the way i look at my clothes, the way i looked at almost everything, if it wasn't as good as I had imagined it, i was disappointed. Now I catch myself and look at it rationally and realize everything is okay. Not perfect by any standards but not horrible. I still get upset and mad and disappointed, but it doesn't last nearly as long. I can honestly say I havent't smiled this much in a long time. Its not because of anything particular in my life has changed its just because now im starting to see my life as it really is and not comparing it to some fantasy life I had made up. I can't compare it to other's life because well, everyone is different. There's nothing to compare it to. Its just my life.
After I came home from Kristin's that night, I left a note on my kitchen table for my family. I thanked them for all the little things that they do for me and how I might not always seem like I appreciate them, but that they are the reason for the happiness in my life. I woke up the next day to 5 other notes from everyone, thanking me for the note and thanking me for making them happy too. Once in a while I think its good to let people know you appreciate them, a little thing like saying thank you can go a long way. SO i guess what all of this is trying to say is that there are good and bad things in life. We can't hide from or deny the bad things because that only makes things worse, but we should do is appreciate and not neglect all the good things too. Yup. Thats about it.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:32:38 GMT

You know the part of a movie where the plot takes a twist that you never saw coming and for a few seconds your are a little bit shell shocked? I think that is the way i've been feeling for the past few days. I dont really nkow who to talk to about it, and i don't think that there is any answer to really solving the problem. The part that i think hurt the most is that it waskept from me for so long. Even though i am 22 years old my family still feels this need to keep secrets from me. I was so happy for him. I thought he was getting his act together and finally making something of himself. I guess i knew all along though, i have been so involved in sorting out my own life i didn't take the time to realize what he was doing or how bad it was getting. Alcohol was bad enough..and now this? Kerry and Shannon both crying and huging me and as much as i wanted to cry, i felt this urge to hit them both. How could they have lied to me for so long? I am sooo sick and tired of always being lied too. I feel like the past year and a half of my life as nothing but a bunch of bullshit lies. I don't know if im just so eager to believe people that i love that i end up being made a fool of or if i am just completely oblivious to obvious things. I cant quite figure it out. I dont know if there is anyone trust worthy in my life. It makes me so angry. Why cant people just be honest with me? I dont understand it. Why would my sisters keep something this serious from me? I feel guilty. I feel helpless. It makes sense now why my dad is so stressed out. Addiction doesn't just effect the person who is addicted, it effets everyone who loves that person. I've been reading this "how to get your loved one sober" book and I always have to end up stopping because I can't stop crying. It makes me worry about Mike too. From the moment I began dating him I was amazed at all this potential that he had. He was so friggin smart but so lazy. I did everything in my efforts to help him. Just to give him support and happiness. I failed. Miserably. I ended up being everything that made his life worse or at least thats how he made me feel. Just like my brother. I know they are very different people, but the parrallels are uncanny. Who do I trust? How do I make my family better? How do i keep my brother from killing himself or from further tearing this family apart? Do I and Can I help Mike? I don't know. I just really don't know. All I know is that I just can't let these problems break me down again. I have to keep working and going to school and enjoy myself. I wont make all my mistakes over again. I just want to fix things and make them right.

i forgot how much i loved this book.

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 02:16:58 GMT

"You'd be surprised how many people violate this simple principle every day of their lives and try to fit square pegs into round holes, ignoring the clear reality that Things Are As They Are."

"I am me,
And you are you,
As you can see;
But when you do
The things that you can do,
You will find the Way,
And the Way will follow you."

and my favorite

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind, "Pooh!," he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

My dad gave me the tao of pooh in 8th grade. Even then i highlighted these quotes. Maybe i knew that someday I would need a little help finding my way.

Successful

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:28:45 GMT

Everyone is after the same thing in life. happiness and love.
We work our entire lives to save money so we can afford houses, cars and clothes. So basically our material possesions should measure how happy we are with our lives. I don't think thats necessarily the case for everyone. For some maybe, but not for everyone. I dont think you can really judge anyone until you've walked a day in their shoes. I think the true measure of success is the amount of times in a day that a person smiles. Rich or poor, dumb or genius, brunette or blonde, the true test of life is how we deal with our problems, how to overcome them, and learn how appreciate each and every breath we take. I'm only 22. I have a lot of life to live. A lot of places to go and a lot of people to meet. I laugh, i cry, i sing, i dance, but i smile each and every day. No matter what is wrong with my life at the moment, im still alive. And everyday is just a new chance to make it better.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 01:52:12 GMT

For as long as I can remember, i've always told myself that I wasn't a creative person. I would look around at these talented people who I admired so much because they would be able to create such amazing things from just thoughts in their head. I never once thought to give myself a chance to try something because I never gave myself enough credit. I also had a big fear of being judged by other people. Growing up in my family, I endured some pretty harsh ridicule. I don't blame my brothers and sisters because who better than your oblivious little sister to take out your frusration of your own insecurites. Thus, I've always had a little sense of apprehension when it came to doing something that gave people a chance to judge me.
I know that this may sound completely cheesy and it is, I admit to it. I was watching Garden State as I went to sleep a few nights ago and there was this line that I've heard so many times but never really thought twice about until that moment. I have a few favorite quotes from that movie but it was the perfect moment for that scene to come on. "This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing." I can continue to live my entire live just trying to fit in and not stick out or I can finally be original and be who I truly want to be. I've lived so much of my life trying to please other people, I'm weird and sometimes completely awkward. There were so many missed opportunities and lost chances all because I was afraid of what other people would think. Life isn't about pleasing everyone else, it won't get you very far. Its not only about pleasing yourself, that will only alienate you from people who really care. Life is made up of opportunities, every day is a chance to change your life. I am finally taking a chance on myself. To be creative, to make my life fulfilling and to not worry about judgement,
This is me, being me, for the first time.

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 01:25:22 GMT

My mother and I have never had the best relationship, I've always been a daddys little girl. Latley though my mom and i have been forming a stronger bond. She was cleaning her room tonight and I came in and sat on her bed and she started showing me all the old photographs of her and my dad from when they were younger. Shes never really talked about her childhood with me, but she was talking to me and telling me stories. She was engaged to this guy Pete when she met my dad. My dad was not her type at all, he was wacky and funny. Meanwhile the guy she was engaged to was all hip and cool. She worked with me dad and she said the more she got to know him and see how sensitive, loving and honest he was she couldnt help but fall in love with him. She told me how they took road trips to Florida and Maine. They would go horseback riding, hiking, and skiing. They were so alive and probably high lol but she neglected to mention any illegal substances. Then she told me she cant wait till we all finally grow up and get out so that they could go on road trips again. I hope they get to go. It makes me think of my life. I know i want to go to school and get a good career but i wanna go on adventures and live while im still young. I wanna go skydiving and go on a pancake tour of america like they did in On the Road. I wanna see the grand canyon and ride on a donkey. I wanna go on a bar crawl in Ireland. I wanna see Rome and Venice. I wanna swim with dolphins in the caribbean. I wanna go on the rollercoaster in Vegas. I wanna go to disney and watch the fireworks in magic kingdom with someone i love. I think for a while i was obsessed with the material possesions that this world offers us. I think life is more or less about the memories you make. Those are possesions no one can take away from you. Experience makes us grow and learn. Im only 22. I have so much life ahead of me. I just wanna make the best of it.

Change

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 02:23:25 GMT

When I was younger i never really noticed change. I was so emersed in this world of fun and freedom, it seemed like i had a infinite amount of time do to whatever it was i wanted to do. As time has gone on, my decisions now weigh a lot more than they did years ago. One single sentence can change the whole course of my future. For over a year i was so confused as to who i was, what i wanted, where i wanted to go and most of all who i wanted to be. I don't think it is something that i discovered over night, i think it more or less came from knowing what i didnt want to become. It was as if my confidence and self esteem had been blockaded by some sort of dam. For a while that dam stood firm and kept me crippled almost, in this state of fear and dependance. Little by little that dam began to weaken and i felt myself getting stronger untill it finally burst. I regained the strength that i used to have, the motivation to become something great and do something meaningful with my life, and finally to be proud of everything that i am, flaws and all. I realize that as I get older the decisions and problems i will face are much more complicated than those that i faced when i was younger, but it okay. I know that i can handle them and i am determined to conquer what scares and not let anything hold me back from acheiving my dreams.
Sitting in Jill's basement last night, it was refreshing to know that no matter how much time goes on those girls will be there for me no matter what, and i for them. Getting older means that we have a lot less free time to spend with eachother, but the bond we formed last summer is everlasting. Jill will always be the wise one, who ALWAYS knows the exact words you need to hear, she speaks from her heart which is a quality that is very hard to find. Corinne still has the best stories, and she still tells them with such enthusiasm and they always make you laugh. Kristin is still the best listener and she cares so much about everything you say, even if it is pointless she still lets you know she cares. Me, im still the hopeless romantic, who believes in fairy tales and happily ever afters, and who wants nothing else but for everyone to be happy. We are all ever changing, but our cores remain firm. We are all very different people, but thats what makes it so much better. We all bring something else to the table. Those three girls mean more to me than they will ever know. I dont care how far away they go, i plan to remain friends with them till i am old and wrinkled.
Here i am again, on my own. I didn't really expect to be here again, but it's okay. its scary and intimidating, but i know this is just another fear i must conquer. I know from talking to my family that relationships are very complicated, but at the core there must be a mutual love and respect for eachother. Key world being mutual. No matter how hard i tried, i could never be what he wanted me to be. It is hard thing to feel, like you aren't good enough for the one person you love. I dont believe there is a word that exists to describe it. I know now that i just need to believe in me. I need to be proud of myself. No one is perfect and everyone has their quirks, i think that the key is to find someone who willing to love me completely, for all my quirks. I would much rather go to sleep by myself, then go to sleep beside someone who doesn't want me there. I feel though as if i finally found my niche, occupational therapy really seems to be a good fit for me. I could not think of a better way to spend my life other than helping other people make their lives easier. I just want to make people smile. I cant imagine a more rewarding job. I know it wont be easy to get there and its going to take a lot of time and effort, but i believe in myself and i know i can do it. I dont exactly where my life is heading but i have a general direction and that is enough for me, even it means going it alone. Hopefully along the way i will find someone who will love being in love with me as much as i love being in love with them.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 22:14:04 GMT

I am not a stupid person.
I have a lot of flaws but i have a lot of good points as well.
For some reason I cant seem to find firm ground to stand on.
I dont know if it is because I am always trying to please everyone around me.
Trying is the key word because I hardly ever pull through.

I feel like i have done nothing but go backwards. All my friends from high school went away to college and made new friends. Any friends i made post high school have done the same. My other friends are un-reliable or I've alienated myself away from them. And the one person who i am supposed to lean on is the one person i can not count on.

I am not a perfect person. For a long time i tried to put on a facade as if that were true. I wanted the perfect relationship and the perfect life. Beneath was so much much. I was complicated and unsure of myself and mylife. One second of misjudgement. One single solitary mistake will forever haunt me. He forgave me when it happened. It still lives inside him. I know he can never look at me the same. When we got back together though, I thought "wow this is really it, we know what went wrong last time. We know how to make it work now." I never ever thought that it would be what it is today. He doesn't look at me the way he used to. I know in the back of his mind he thinks he can do better than me. When he tells me he would rather lie to me than deal with me being mad. When he tells me its hard for him to feel bad for me when im upset. When i know anytime we are together he is constantly looking at his phone to see which one his friends is doing something. When you are gone for three days and he hardly realizes your not there. I dont know which is worse. Living with this and pretending that its just something he is going through. Or admitting to yourself that it isnt love and its just his fear of being alone that makes him stay with you.

I know i have my issues and I know i have low self esteem. But when not one single solitary person wants to spend time with you. Is it silly to try to and hold on to the one last person who does, even if you know its not sincere?

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:51:32 GMT

you were real. once.

Family

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 18:54:28 GMT

In the past few months i have come to realize that one of the most valuable things in my life is my family. Its weird but almost every Sunday for the past month or so has been like some sort of family get together. I sat there yesterday in the pue watching my nephew get christened and all i could think about was how truly blessed i am. I may not have all the clothes or the flashy cars that rich girls have but i am seriously rich with love. 2007 was a really hard but sincerely neccessary time period for me. I was so insecure with myself and I looked for anyone to latch on to so that i would feel better. Thats not what life is about, its about being who you want to be and finding people who like you for who you are.
I feel stronger as a person now than i have in a long time. Im dusting off and starting off fresh and new. That doesn't entail going out and buying new clothes or anything, it means a new mindset or a new outlook on life. Im still the same Meghan i have always been but now i just dont care what anyone thinks of me. I really feel as if being around my family so much has just made me realize that this group of people will love me no matter what happens in life. Also i can't even deny that having Mike back in my life has made me feel more complete. I don't know what it is, but everytime i see him for the first time of the day i get these butterflies in the pit of my stomach. When he takeshis arms and gives me those big hugs, i feel the goosebumps crawl all over my body. We definitley know what went wrong last time, and we both are giving it all of our effort to make sure this time we dont lose sight of what is really important.
this was short and kind of scatterbrained but its okay i just needed to get some thoughts out.

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:56:22 GMT

2008 will call for big changes.

Snow

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 16:47:08 GMT

So i finally have a new computer. My laptop is still broken, but having a desktop again is quite nice, especially now since its all my own and i am not sharing it with the entire family. Kerry can use it though because she let me use her laptop over the past month when i didn't have one.

Its getting close now to the end of the year, and i guess for the most part its time for reflection and growth. 2007 was probably one of the most difficult years of my life. Thankfully in the time of need i did have some really great friends who helped me get through it all. Although some of the friendships have dis-assembled, i will never forget what they did for me. Maybe fate works like that though, maybe fate just brings people into your life when you really need them the most and once they finish their job, they leave. I would type all the things that happened to me this year, but i can't lie the greater portion of things i would rather leave out. Some good things though were, I worked at Harley-Davidson for a little while, I turned 21 years old, i got to spend a lovely week in montauk, i also got to go to Disney, I became an Aunt to an adorable little boy, i became friends with some really nice people, I became a waitress at Chilis, and just as of recently i've decided to switch my major to Nursing.

One thing that i reflect back on about myself this year is that i can not keep feeling bad for myself. There are lot worse things that could have happened to me, and i mean as bad as it hurt me emotionally, i think i have become a stronger person in the end. I was sitting at school yesterday after hours of papers, and projects and of course my last teacher kept me an hour later than he was supposed to. I realized in that moment that life is just way too short to take anything too seriously. If i can't laugh at myself and the things that have happened in my life than i mean really there is no point of going on. For sooo soo long i cared so much about what other people thought of me, and as i sat in my class realizing after next week i will probably only see maybe 2-3 of these people ever again, it dawned on me that i should not care at all what other people think. I know it is alot easier said than done but i mean i am so done with feeling bad and being sad and caring what other people think of me. I am who i am and i can not and will not change that for anyone. It took me a while to get to this point and well i am content here. I am not going to starve myself anymore because i want to be skinny, but i am not going to over indulge myself either. I'll try my best to eat healthy and get to the gym, but i am not going to kill myself. You only get one life so i am going to enjoy it.

On another note, something has change quite drastically in the past month besides my little Colin. Mike and I broke up in the end of March for several different reasons. It caught me off gaurd and i was quite devastated for a while. I broke down and became depressed for a good portion of the year. Mike went out and drank and hung out with new girls, which added to my devastation. Depsite all the odds agaisnt me, in my heart i just knew that he was the one i wanted to be with. I think part of my devastation was because i could have prevented the break up if i just would have opened my eyes to what i was putting mike through by being such good friends with Tom. I am true believer though in everything happens for a reason. If mike and i never broke up i dont think i would have ever realized how selfish i was being. This semester i took Counseling Psychology, and for the past few weeks we have been doing couples counseling. I think learning about how couples break up kind of teaches you how to stay together. At the end of October i was ready to give up hope all together, i never thought that day would come but i just realized that the Mike i once knew and loved was gone, completely gone. So i told him that i finished holding on to hope and that i was giving up. I didnt want to, but the circumstances had gotten me to the point where i just had nothing left to hold on too. It was if that last finger that was holding him from falling off the cliff just could not muster up the strength to keep holding on. So i let go. I can not speak for him because i am not sure if this is really what happened, but i think the whole time we were broken up he knew that he could come to me and i would take him back. I think maybe when the fact that i wasn't going to just wait around for him anymore and that i was actually giving up and moving on, made him realize thats not what he wanted at all. So the next week he texted me and we talked but i had my guard up. He persisted though, and i think he realized he needed to take down the wall he built up for me because if he didn't than i was going to walk away for good. Over the next few weeks, we hung out more and more and talked more and more and he finally came home.
Alot of people are pretty skeptic about this all, including most of my family and some of my friends. The way i see it, is this time if it doesnt work out and i get hurt again, the jokes on me. This was my choice and this is what i want. We've worked out a lot of stuff and im sure we have some more to work out. Im not saying that we are perfect because there is no such thing. I am just saying that this time i am going into this with a different mindset. Mike is who he is and I am who i am, we are opposites in some ways but in others we are very much a like. Last time we were together, everytime we got into a bad fight, break up was always a word that was brought up, and surprise surprise we broke up. This time instead of bringing that up everytime we have a fight, either we agree to disagree or we work on whatever we have too. We've both grown and we've both experienced different things and people, the only person who fills the void in my heart is Mike. We've been through a lot together and we've both done things to eachother that hurt one another, but we made it out ok. And this is one last chanc, to finally get things right.

Christmas season is right around the corner, we have had two snow showers, light one but still glorious. On saturday Colin had his first sleepover at our house when shannon and jon went into the city for a party. I woke up a 5 to help my mom feed him and then again and 9 so that my mom could go get some sleep. I sat in the kitched feeding him a bottle listening to christmas music and watching the snow fall, and i realized that life is good right now. I know it might not last forever but i am going to enjoy each and every second of it while it lasts.

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 05:46:38 GMT

I think the hardest things to hear are the things we don't want to believe. My dad and mom made that very clear to me yesterday. They made some very good points and as i sit here alone on a saturday night because my friends dont answer their phones, or would rather be with other people than me, it makes me realize that i really have been an open door. My dad brought such a great point to my attention yesterday, he asked me when the last time someone went out of their way to make me happy and i honestly could not even remember the last time someone did something special for me. I could name about 10 things in the past month i did for my friends and family. Its time to stop letting people treat me like shit, i need to stop being so passive and when people do things that hurt my feelings or make me upset i need to be honest with myself and not just shrug it off. If i keep shrugging things off, no one is ever going to give me respect i deserve. I was fighting in tears with my sister because i said i dont like to hurt other peoples feelings and i like to be there when they need me, and she yelled back saying what about your feelings, does anyone ever consider how you feel, or what about when you need someone, are they there for you? And i realized, that people drop me like a fly. I'm completely done feeling bad for myself, and im not going to let people walk in and out of my life so easily. I am a good person and i will bend over backwards for people that i care about, but ya know what, im only going to do it for the people that do it for me. I am not going to let myself be hurt anymore. I am not going to be kicked around or pushed to the side for more important interesting people/friends. I have so much faith in people and time and time again people have just left me and not considered me important in their lives. And obviously its something about me, its something that i am doing wrong. I am just an open door. All i keep thinking of is the scene in the Last Kiss, where Zack Braff is sitting at the door waiting for her to open it. I dont think anyone would wait at the door for me like that...

reeshes peeshes

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 02:50:21 GMT

Today was just one of those days that makes you love life. It wasn't anything extraordinary or anything, it was just one of those peaceful relaxing days where the pieces of life just seem to fit. I know that days like this don't come all the time, so i like to remember and take notice of these days when they happen. I mean just sitting around the table tonight, my mom made a huge turkey dinner with all the trimmings. Shannon and Jon brought Colin over for his first outing out of the house, he of course slept most of the time, but still having him there was such a cool feeling. Like walking by the living room and seeing the play pen in there, its something we've all be anticipating for so long. There were 9 of us squished around the table, and i just love being with them. I know its cheesy and stupid but i really am so thankful for being so close with my family. It took us a long time to get to this point. While i was sitting there i thought about something, as always.
I thought about attention and acceptance. Each individual in this world, wants to die knowing that they were special in some way. Think about it, when you get a compliment, even from a stranger, it makes you feel a little bit better about yourself. We walk through everyday searching for acceptance and attention from other people. We want to be noticed and we want to be remembered. My whole life i craved attention because i was the youngest of four and i needed to do something to be noticed by my parents. I realized today that the way i get my attention is by trying to not be noticed. I try to do the right things all the time, at least by my parents. I never got involved in drugs and never got really into drinking, and i always tried to do good in school because i wanted my parents to be proud of me. I think each and every person in their own way has a technique that they use to feel important or feel like people see them. No one wants to walk through life being invisible. I think my life having the attention from my family these past few months have made me remember that attention is sort of in a way like love. People pay attention to you because in a way they care. I think in my life, personally, its not the amount of people that give me attention, its the quality of the attention i get. Other people its the opposite, they want to be adored by as many people as possible, they want to be noticed, because it re assures them that they matter. I watched Jon tonight and he really is such a good dad to Colin already, and he does love my sister very much there is no doubting that. You could see though there were moments where he would just be laughing with my brother about stupid things, and they both still make ridiculous remarks. It all made sense to me at that moment, even when your older you still need attention. Different people in your life serve different purposes. There is your significant other that i think is supposed to be your other half, the person who takes care of you and makes sure that your taken care of. Then there are friends who are there to give advices, and have fun, and laugh with. Then there is family who is there for support and for constant reminder of who you are. One person can't be your everything, i mean one person can be your main support but they can't be all of it.
I think the reason i have become so close to my family is because i know that they wont leave me, or turn their back on me. It sounds silly but its happened a lot to me in the past and well i've come to the conclusion that the people who will be there in the end are the people who were there to begin with. They never gave up on my brother, and i know they will always be there for me. I guess it just got to me after being a good person and a good friend and having it get me no where but alone. I realized though today when Dianna sent me that message that it doesnt go completely unnoticed. I just have to make sure that i don't let people walk all over me or take advantage. I treat people nicely, i am never mean on purpose and i always try to be understanding and caring.
Today though, i didn't let my thoughts get the best of me. I am not trying hard not to worry or overthink every little thing in my life. I am just enjoying the ride. I just really hope the decisions i am making are the right ones and that i am not going to end up hurt again in the end.

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas...Again.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 04:45:17 GMT

Usually the first of November is a holiday in my book. It is the day when I get to being the celebration of my most favorite holiday/time of year. Christmas time has always been the time of year when I just feel so happy with life. I would be a liar to say that I am excited for this forth coming Christmas. It was only a few years ago that I was sitting in my room cleaning on Christmas Eve and watching A Christmas Story by myself while my siblings were off at parties and my parents were downstairs sitting by the fire and listening to Christmas music. If that Christmas wasn’t hard enough, this year I know he is going to most likely bring someone else, and I will officially be replaced. It’s a weird sensation knowing that you are never going to be a part of something you loved so much. Its times like this that I understand why the person who wrote Eternal Sunshine came up with the idea of erasing someone, it’s so hard to forget when the memories play over and over again in your head. Today I was feeling especially down for some reason, so I decided to go up to the mall and buy myself a little something, just for the sake of cheering myself up.

I walked in and the first thing I see is a huge wreath surrounded by red banners and twinkling white lights. Christmas was coming whether I liked it or not. It was then that I saw a man, he was looking at this new Chrysler car that they had out on display by Macy’s. I don’t know why but all of a sudden it hit me, the reason that our society is so obsessed with Christmas is because we get all new things, new clothes, new cars, new cds, new everything. Everyone loves getting new things, because it’s all different and out of the ordinary. You don’t go and wrap an old sweater and give it to someone, right? The more I thought about our society’s obsession with buying new, it led me to think about relationships. America has the highest rate of divorce and we wonder why? We are brought up to always want something new and exciting, the old is boring and redundant. We are all on this constant search for perfection, because we always feel that what we have isn’t good enough. Fashion changes so much, its is in this week and what is newest fashion trend, because god forbid we wear an outfit more than once. We love the beginning of relationships because they are new and fun and exciting, and we get to learn about a new person. Then as soon as we find ourselves bored, we turn and look for something else. We are never taught to appreciate the things that we have. I didn’t end up getting anything at the mall because I realized there was no need to buy something new just for the hell of it. I drove home I thought about how much un-necessary things I have bought over the years just because I wanted to have something new or because I didn’t want to be an outcast. But those new things soon become old and unimportant, its like a vicious cycle that never ends.

For some reason on my way home, I decided to drive by Andrew and Stephanie’s house. I hadn’t been there in a few weeks and something was just telling me to go, so I was just going to drive by but Andrew was outside with Nicholas. I pulled up and Nicholas face just lit up and he screamed HI MEGHAN. I stopped going to Andrew and Steph’s house for a while because I just didn’t like the atmosphere anymore. Tonight it was different though, from the moment I got out of my car, Nicholas ran over to me gave me a huge hug and kiss and told me he loved me. It was really at that moment that something just clicked inside of me, other people may have moved on from me to nicer and newer people or friends, but I was able to show this little boy love for his first two years of life and he remembered it. I had so much fun for the rest of the night, Andrew Nicholas and I played hockey and cars. Steph even played with us for a little, I had dinner over there and we were going to light a fire but they were so tired because Nicholas hasn’t been sleeping well. As I was leaving Andrew came up to me, and told me that for Christmas Steph, Chris, Ams, John, Nicholas and Him are going to re-do my room. They all knew that I have had a pretty rough year and they know that it’s something I have wanted for a long time. It was really at that moment that I knew why fate had made me come to their house today, not because of them re-doing my room, but because I have not been appreciating that family. They have done so much for me over the years and I really do take them for granted.

I came home and I really thought about Christmas. Yes, I have been replaced. Yes, I won’t have someone to kiss under the mistletoe, or someone to exchange presents with this year. I do have a wonderful family, and some really great friends who are my family. My dad came into my room and I had my icicle lights on watching its always sunny. He sat on my bed and looked at me like he always does before he gives me some worldly advice. He asked me how my Halloween was and if I had fun going out to the bar. I don’t think he quite expected what I was going to say. I told him that I absolutely had fun but it’s the fun I like to have once in a while. Don’t get me wrong it was a good time, but having creepy guys dancing up on you and girls looking you up and down is just something I would rather do once in a while. Call me a loser, call me old fashioned but I like just having fun being me and doing what makes me happy. I explained this to him and then I told him about my new revelation about Christmas. He looked over at the mirror on the back of my door and saw the picture of my Uncle Johnny. My dad said that My Uncle Johnny was not a rich man, and he went through a period of his life where he was heavy into drugs and alcohol. Once he started to get clean and turn his life around, he began to collect pennies. When he passed away he had a huge container of pennies and poem he wrote about pennies. My dad told me that the poem was about how people forgot to appreciate the little things. My uncle died one of the happiest men I ever knew, he lived a short but wonderful life. My dad also told me that even though I may feel a little lonely on Christmas, to keep my Aunt Marion in mind because this is her first Christmas in 35 years that she wont have my Uncle Richie, and his birthday is the day after. It really doesn’t put things into perspective. Before he walked out of my room I asked him why he thought that him and my mom were still together after all these years, he looked at me and said “we’ve learned to take the good with the bad, and we get through it all together. Everytime I look at her I remember the first time I saw her and every morning I wake up next to her, I thank god that I have been so blessed” then I asked him if he ever thought about there being someone better for him he sat back down on my bed and said “there were times where things got hard and we’ve had our doubts, but when everything settled down, your mom was still there. There are a lot of people in this world, but as far as I know there is only one of your mom and she’s the only person I want beside me in my life.” After he left my room I thought a lot about my parents personalities and it makes sense to me why they work. My parents are the last people on earth who care about having the newest and nicest things. My dad loves old beat up cars and my mom has her own little style and she’s content. They don’t need material things to complete their lives, they only need eachother, and their wonderful children.

So back to thinking about Christmas, as I typed this long and drawn out entry I was listening to Christmas music the entire time. This year I will have something more than I have ever had before, appreciation. Not for the gifts but for the people I am surrounded by. You don’t know what could happen in a year so I am going to be grateful to have a Christmas with wonderful people. I have a new gorgeous Nephew to celebrate with, and Christmas Eve is at Shannon and Jon’s this year which is a first, so I know I wont be cleaning my room. I’m sure I will think of him and wonder what it would be like if he were there. I am content though knowing he wont be thinking that about me. I may not grow up to be the worlds richest woman or have all the material things that one would like in life, but one thing I know I want is to be able to say that I appreciated the things that I had in life, especially the people. Hopefully one Christmas down the road, it will be me and my husband sitting by a fire on Christmas Eve.

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:48:34 GMT

Last night, after i came home from work, i sat down in my room. My new Christmas cookie candle was burning and the ice lights that i hung up around my room were casting this soft glow. It reminded me so much of Christmas that of course i had to put Elf on. It was in the first few moments of Elf that i had this weird crystallizing moment, I knew what i had to do, so i took out a piece of paper and wrote my parents a two page note.
All of these feelings and thoughts have always been there incubating beneath the surface but no real emotions came out until last night. A lot of it has to do with Colin being born. It is a really mind blowing moment when you realize that your sister who is only five years older than you is married and has a child of her own. It kind of makes you second guess your life, and where your life is headed. I am on my own. I have wonderful friends who i know will be there for me, and i have an incredible family that would stop on a dime to come and help me out. The thing i realized is that i was leaning too much on my friends and family. I need to be independant and I need to prove to myself that i dont NEED anyone else to be happy and live a purpose-filled life. So what was my crystalizing moment? I realized on Sunday night, that I really do not want to become an Elementary School teacher. I absolutely love children and believe me i know i want to work with children.Its just well being at Shannons house on saturday with everyone, i watched kerry and john sitting on the couch with colin. The way kerry was acting it was almost as if she wanted to be where shannon was and she wanted so baldy for Jon to accept Memoli. Kerry really wants John to be accepted into our family like Jon I has, but i think what she doesn't realize is that just like children parents love each child differently, and well they have different but still very special relationship with Memoli. Kerry has always idolized Shannon ever since we were little.I began to think a lot to the past and really its almost as if the truth just comes and knocks you on your ass. For the last few years i wasn't living according to what i wanted, i was following this great design that had been set forth for me. Find a guy, become a teacher, get your masters, get married, have kids just like shannon and jon. Its not a bad thing, its just not for me. I got caught up, just like Kerry is caught up. Just because that is how shannon is happy does not mean that is how we are going to be happy. I mean i looked at the signs and just in my classes i could sit in my psych classes for hours and never be bored, i could tell you Freud and Jung and Pavlov all stood for.If you ask me about the NYS learning standards that teachers are supposed to have memorized, i could probably BS a couple of them but thats about it. I have always had this complusion to want to help people, i may not be so good at it yet, but my goal is to become better at it. I want to learn to be a better listener. Some of the best psychologist are just really good listeners. I know its something that i need to work on, i need to learn when to give advice and when the best advice is just being silent and letting someone work out there own problems by talking them out. I want to help children who are emotionally inept, or disturbed. Teachers get rewards out of giving children knowledge, I want to get rewards out of giving a child the outlook he or she needs to enjoy their life. I mean it all came together and made sense. I want to be a child psychologist, i am dropping out of the child study program and just going straight for psychology. I was super afraid that my parents were going to be disappointed by my recent revelations. To my surprise though my father was extremely happy that i had come to this conclusion before it was too late. He was proud that i am finally living my life according to what i really want. It might even mean i get to graduate a little earlier which would be fantabulous. I have always known that i was different from my sisters, I guess i just never realized how i was just following in their footsteps not because i wanted to but almost because i felt as if that is the only way to happiness. Thats not the case at all though, happiness has to come from what the heart wants. I want to travel before having kids, i want to go to ireland and germany, and i want to see more of the united states besides the eastern coastrline. I know that being a mother is something that i really want to do in the future, but only when the time is right, and the person is right. I mean if i was to be a mother tomorrow by some emaculate conception i wouldnt be disappointed, any of the times that i had a scare i was never really ready but never sad either. I mean there were moments when i was watching Nicholas that i actually felt like his mother and it really is the best feeling. Rushing life along is not going to be fulfilling, but enjoying what i have now and the journey that i am on is what is fulfilling. I feel so relieved that next semester i am going to be doing what i really want. I am working a lot more lately and they said as soon as they hire a new host i am getting moved up to waitress which i am so excited about. I feel like a lot of big changes are going on in my life right now but they are for the most part good changes. I am just doing what it takes to get myself on solid ground and make myself happy.
I spent so much of my life comparing myself to other people. Shes prettier, shes skinners, she has better nose, she has better legs, etc. Honestly though, i am through living my life feeling ashamed of myself or not good enough. I have been eating better and going to the gym again and i am really starting to feel good about myself again. I may not be everything that all these other girls are, but i am me and i am not going to feel insecure anymore. No my legs are not sticks and they will never be sticks, and i have some curves on my hips but its not a lot and its healthy and my boobs may not be double d's but ever since i started on Yaz they have become a nice size C and im content with that lol. My face is finally almost clear. And well the things i used to feel insecure about im learning to love, like my little butt chin and my nose and my muscular thighs and calves. It's all part of who i am, and if i continue living my life hating myself well then really whats the point.
Contrary to my own former beliefs, this isn't the end of my life, this is just a new beginning. A new chapter and a new journey into uncharted waters. I no longer have that person beside me telling me that everything is going to be okay. I am alone and on my own. Its scary but exciting in the same time. It is def hard leaving everything you know behind, especially something i did truly believe in, but i couldn't keep living my life waiting around for something that was never coming back. I am okay though and i am glad to be doing what i want to do and to re-arrange my life according to what is best for me. I can't say that it is what i always wanted, but its what i have to do and i am content with that. My psych professor said something today that really just put me in the best of moods. He told us that the people that best understand children are those that are still children at hearts. I know that i am still just a big kid at heart and i really feel like this is the best decision i have made in a long time. I am no longer lerking in the shadows of my sisters, but i am taking a step into the sun on my own, without any prior knowledge of what is to come. I just have faith in myself and i know i can do this. I have to. My purpose in life for so long was to try to please everyone else, i wanted to be perfect to everyone. I mean when i made mistakes i didn't want anyone to know for fear of them being disappointed with me. I've lived these past few months with no purpose at all, no real motivation, no real drive to anything what so ever. I feel like this change in pace is exactly what i needed, going for psych and working more and becoming an aunt. Its all given my life purpose. I can make myself happy and make the people i care about happy at the same time.